Meet The All-Stars


Miss Jamie - music

Miss Jamie is a subsidiary of Mariano's Supermarkets, itself a subsidiary of Roundy's Supermarkets, itself a subsidiary of Kroger's, itself a subsidiary of Miss Jamie. Half ouroboros, half pyramid scheme, Jamie must play at every grocery store in the Chicagoland area every month or she will be turned back into a frog that sings farm songs. Jamie lives in Albany Park (?) with her husband and two young daughters.


Smarty Pants - Balloons

Despite not being bioluminescent, Smarty (real name Party Smants) nonetheless lives in the depths of the Arctic ocean, asking passersby if they can read off the light he emits. When not cleaning the teeth of larger fish, Smarty dreams of creating great art with balloons filled with air, instead of tying together pufferfish filled with blood and goop, which he eats for sustenance. He smells like fish. Smarty lives in Park Ridge with his wife and 5-year-old daughter, who are normal, if you can believe it.


Scott Green - HANDSOME

Feast your eyes. Scott lives in Lincoln Square with his wife and two young children. Jealous?